Folks, buckle up because you are about to go on a wild ride.
On Monday night, college football twitter became enthralled by a story that at first seemed too outrageous to be true, but as facts and important people involved in the story came forward, it only got stranger.
Word emerged from an unverified account that claimed a monkey owned by Texas special teams assistant Jeff Banks bit a young trick-or-treater on Halloween. It seemed like such a ridiculous thing that it had to be a fake story, but as people did more digging, they learned that it was, in fact, partially true.
The real story was that Banks is now with an ex-stripper named Danielle, fka “Pole Assassin” — which, as an aside, is one of the best stage names in history — who was once on Jerry Springer and has a monkey named Gia who used to assist her in her act. The monkey even has an Instagram page which features some incredible content.
So after establishing that there is actually a monkey that lives at Banks’ residence and this story could indeed be true, his girlfriend jumped into the fray on Twitter and confirmed that the incident took place but it was not as vicious a bite as initially reported.
She also took people on a tour of the backyard to show how far a child had to wander out of the haunted house zone they had set up, through multiple gates that said not to go through to get to the monkey’s cage/habitat area where the bite happened.
This, of course, was a terrible idea as it potentially incriminated her and the monkey, and at some point she was told to delete her tweets (and ultimately the entire account), but not before the internet was able to screenshot the tweets and pull the video in which she gave that tour. No one knows what the legal ramifications are in all of this, but it did spark a lot of jokes about monkey law and how Texas football is now definitely back.
We will continue to monitor this situation to see if there are further updates on Pole Assassin’s monkey and if this somehow becomes a thing that Texas has to release an official statement on.